13 years ago, I joined a platform in the fall of 2005. In my freshman year of college, and very much in my infancy of freedom and adulthood.
Facebook was also in it’s infancy. Back before all the videos, ads, marketing, random PM messages, groups. The days when only those with a college email address could join.
Looking back, no one could have predicted our journeys as they are today. Maybe Zuck saw it for his baby, but I certainly didn’t see mine for me.
When these memories come up and I think back to that time in my life, I had all these hopes and dreams of who I was going to be and how long it would take. I was majoring in Radiology – mostly because I wanted to prove my dad wrong. Because he was ‘old’ and didn’t know anything.
I now appreciate his guidance and opinions.
I wanted the freedom to be me. It was the first time I felt I could finally escape the childhood and past that I deeply wanted to hide. So much so that I started dating a guy much older than me. I was so consumed with is affection and attention that I spent every weekend with him in my dorm or traveling back 2.5 hours, 20 minutes from my parents, at his house. I didn’t do the normal college things often, only 3 times that whole year. I stopped attending classes and actually dropped most of them after the financial aid was released.
I was completely terrible to my roommate, whom I had known since 3rd grade and saw daily in middle and high school since our names were so close together, our lockers were next to each other. I forgot who I was and realize looking back, I had no idea anyways. I was running, I was hiding. And that became my story until about 2011.
Most of those years, I went to community college, worked full time, and dated the same guy who didn’t want to go anywhere with life fast. Because that was safer than returning to face the things of the past. That also meant I could support myself and show everyone I didn’t need them.
I had it all figured out…..at least it appeared on the surface.
Deep down, I had no idea there were hopes and dreams dying a little more every day inside.
At one point, I had so much shame and gilt that I couldn’t take it anymore. So, in typical AJ fashion, I ran. I did things I’m not proud of but realize it was part of my journey.
Running away and not dealing was my escape when backed into a corner with no other foreseeable options. To me, running away was easier than standing and facing the truth. I would have rather carried the burden inside of me with a smile on my face than deal with the truth. Or telling the people I was in a relationship with in any area of my life, to their face.
Looking at the pictures and memories from that time, I don’t recognize that girl. I can see sadness and a cry for help. But I also see the calculations of who and what next move happening.
It’s so easy to compare that to now. It’s so easy to look back and point the fingers and imagine “what if…..”
In reality though, I have no idea where I would be now if I didn’t take those risks or calculate the next thing. I honestly couldn’t have even planned the life I live today, not even a little bit.
I do know for a fact that I am far better and happier today and yesterday and tomorrow because of them. I am forever grateful to have these experiences and opportunities to make mine and those around me’s lives better.
You are allowed to be with your journey too. Stop for a second and just be you. Don’t compare who you were or what you were. Just be present in this moment and listen. Listen to what your body is saying. To what that little voice inside is saying (both good and bad). Then decide where you go from here. It’s completely your choice.
I’ll be cheering for you.
xo,
AJ
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